Makin' my blorbos smooch is what gets me through the hard times

[socksuke_uchiha]

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Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Taking this question to anons because idk how to ask it elsewhere without sounding shitstirry or grudgey.

There's someone I've seen around Plurk, chatting with people who are in my game and occasionally expressing interest in it. I know this person IRL from over a decade ago, and she was a judgmental and nosy person who was extremely homophobic to me and some friends behind our backs (a mutual friend of ours eventually spilled the beans to us and cut her out.)

That said, it's been over ten years and who hasn't changed or grown in that time? If she were overtly homophobic now, she probably would've gotten the cold shoulder from dwrp, right? That said, I don't trust her not to be a 'hate the sin, not the sinner' kind of person who merely puts up a good front about it, because that's how she acted when I knew her.

If she tries to app into my game, should I reach out to the mods to ask them not to accept? Should I alert them? Should I mind my own business? Is my decade old grudge just ridiculous at this point, and I should make like Elsa?

[(Anonymous)]

i think you should try speaking to her instead of assuming that her beliefs haven't changed in a decade and potentially causing her to be banned from a game. why wouldn't you ask if you're concerned enough to potentially bring it to your mods?

[(Anonymous)]

Because, frankly, I have no desire whatsoever to speak to the person who was angry about me "turning her best friend gay" and "taking [friend] away from the light of the Lord."

She also never said this to my face (only to her friends, who she did not realize were Our Friends), so what exactly would I say? "BTW, [Name] spilled the beans about all the shit you were talking back in the day. So when you were mega homophobic about me all those years ago... You're not like that anymore, are you?"

ayrt

[(Anonymous)]

you're clearly still upset about this, so no I don't think that you should bring this to your mods. if she's an open homophobe she'll be found out, and if she isn't, leave her alone honestly.

[(Anonymous)]

Yes, being casual friends with someone for a years and then finding out they were two-faced and homophobic about you the whole time is indeed fairly upsetting. She was never open about it, and kept her bitching about the gays to close friends. If she is still homophobic, it would be upsetting if she did same to other people in my game before getting found out. If she isn't, which, I hope she's not? I'd still rather her leave me alone.

[(Anonymous)]

I get it, there's people who have caused me harm in the past that I wouldn't want to interact with either. that being said, I don't think that mods are likely to intervene with something that sounds like a personal non-rp related issue that happened years ago. you'd be better suited opting out and possibly blocking the person on plurk if you share mutuals.

+1

[(Anonymous)]

this. as a former mod, this is something that at best I'd be keeping an eye on them. ten years is a long time anon, and even if you had detailed receipts from when this happened, I wouldn't be inclined to ban them from the game without something more recent.

if they've changed, then you're trying to use mods/a hobby to punish them for something they did a decade ago. and if they haven't, I promise you they will quickly show their ass about it, since this is an incredibly queer space especially as the community has gotten older and gone through the tumultuous 20s of self-discovery.

if they app/are accepted, tell the mods that you have a personal issue with the player as a heads up/opt-out so they know to avoid situations where you could be paired up for threading opportunities. they'll appreciate that. but trying to get them preemptively banned for a personal and old grudge would put you solidly in the basket of being a player I'd start keeping an eye on as a mod too.

and fwiw since I feel like this comes off as harsh, I am sympathetic for you. that kind of shit hurts and it does suck to be around (so to speak) people that have hurt you, but this isn't the right way to go about it. I don't think you have to forgive them or be friends with them, but just opt-out and ignore them

[(Anonymous)]

you don’t need to name anyone else’s names, but it seems to me if you want to intervene (and it seems you do), you could message her and say that years ago some mutual friends informed you of what she was saying behind people's backs, and idk, maybe that you don’t feel comfortable about her joining this game if her views haven’t changed?

sa

[(Anonymous)]

oops I can’t read and I’m phone commenting — I see you said you don’t want to talk to them so never mind?

[(Anonymous)]

Personally I'd be holding a grudge and would not want to interact with them, either. That said I do think you're going to have to draw a boundary with this person, anon. It depends on the game and the mods, but the details of the interaction ten years ago may or may not be enough to convince them to decline this person.

I don't know if you feel strongly enough to leave a game because that person is allowed in, but if you don't, then you're going to have to at least tell them not to interact with you.

[(Anonymous)]

I'd mind my own business. So much happens in ten years. If you get the mods involved only for them to decide against you, you'll look like you should've gone to therapy for something you're not over ten years later.

[(Anonymous)]

I wouldn’t want to interact with this person either, but she might have changed a lot in 10 years. This is a tough situation.

I think even with how bad she sucked in the past, the most reasonable thing for you to do is serve her a DNI and update the mods that you gave the DNI. I would even consider giving them a brief summary that is as unemotional as you can manage, acknowledging that she might have changed in that time but you don’t want to play with her regardless. I do think mods should know bc if this person starts testing some homophobic bullshit it’s a good thing to have it on record that she has a history of homophobia.

[(Anonymous)]

+1, and tbh even if she's changed and is now a fierce advocate for queer rights you have 0 obligation to forgive her, especially if she's done nothing to earn your forgiveness and mend that bridge with you

people can change, but you have a right to your feelings and she hasn't done anything to rectify things between you, soooo...

putting on a mod hat for a sec, i wouldn't be able to ban her from my game only on the basis of you bitching about decades old deets that you learned about secondhand, via your mutual friend - sorry but it's true, op

but i can keep an eye out for homophobia if i get a warning, i do respect feelings, and i would respect the dni regardless of how stale/"grudgy" the inciting incident was so long as it's properly communicated to the other player

[(Anonymous)]

no one grows or changes, not in ten years or ten days. asshole then, asshole now. don't give this person a chance to hurt others.



if you had a gut negative reaction to any of that, then yeah, you shouldn't make this a thing. set whatever boundaries you need to for your own safety and protection, but ultimately you need to decide whether you believe people can change, and if so, do they deserve a second chance in the venue they originally caused harm in.

disclaimer: the first paragraph was written to provoke and shouldn't actually be taken as my viewpoint

[(Anonymous)]

Eh, people can change, but that doesn't mean granting everyone a complete blank slate to possibly do the same shit over again. If this situation came to light in the friend group, the person anon (reasonably) bearing a grudge against could have apologized and taken responsibility for their hateful words at any time. While I certainly believe people can change if someone had hurt me like this and never even acknowledged that what they did was wrong, I would be giving them a DNI at very least myself.

[(Anonymous)]

it's very hard to be in dwrp and be homophobic, bc we are nearly all some denomination of queer.

my theory is that if she's in this hobby now, there's been some sort of turn around. homophobia can come from self-hatred... a lot of ppl are homophobic to mask the fact that they're queer themselves/can't accept it.

[(Anonymous)]

homophobia and then involvement in a very queer hobby is prob the one area where i'd have to take a second look at someone to see what happened in the last 10 years. some of the most homophobic irl people i knew back in the early 00's ended up being gay or queer, or something in that spectrum, it was sad for them, but required some compassion. it does happen, it's hard out there for ppl in the closet.

if they're just an asshole then drop them though, no one has time for homophobes who are genuinely on that train.