rpanons | Chicken tendies

Chicken tendies

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i recently realized after setting some boundaries forced a little distance in our friendship that my closest rp friend is manipulative and emotionally abusive and is never going to change.

a lot of my old friends have been really supportive and welcomed me back after a couple of years of being steadily isolated but i feel really ashamed and embarrassed and the worst part is even though i'm relieved my former friend isn't paying attention to me anymore i also have this tangled snarl of guilt for making them angry at me and worried about wank/drama and worst of all i sometimes think maybe i could just put up with it to keep rping with them.

and then i feel stupid because it's an rp partner and not a marriage, it's not like i'm a battered housewife.

i know this isn't a confessions comm or r/relationships but i was hoping that if anyone else has come out the other side of a friendship like this, maybe you have some advice? especially if it was a fellow rper with whom you had mutual canons/plurk friends/etc.

every time one of you goes on about your rp partner being ~emotionally abusive, i have to roll my eyes

it's a fucking rp partner. stop with the dramatics and just drop them. either fade out or do a hard drop and move the fuck on

Ultimately you will see no consequences from literally just blocking them on plurk.

that's easy to say, anon, but "rp partner" describes a whole breadth of relationships, from "rando anon i hit up on kinks u wanna play and we're 5 tags in" to "close friend i've played with for 7 years, we've exchanged gifts, visited each others' homes, and been there for each other during hard times." it's easy to cut and fade from someone you hardly know, and yeah, lots of rp partners are people we hardly know, but when you're legit friends with someone it's easy to think or say, "well, that doesn't seem really reasonable, but I care about [PARTNER] a lot, so I'll just accommodate them," or "Well, this isn't such a big deal to me but it really upsets [PARTNER] so I'll work with them on this," and before you know it, you're the frog and the pot is boiling over.

lmao. i've been there. it's not an easy or fun thing to do, but no one should cry abuse over something that can be solved by a block button. there are no fucking stakes in dw rp. you're not risking your job, your pets, your life, your family, of your worldly possessions by cutting an rp partner out.

anon, abuse isn't just about a physical inability to escape. when i suffered real life domestic abuse i could have left at any time. but what kept me there wasn't that i was physically trapped. it was that i was mentally trapped. i felt responsible for my abuser, i felt that if i left and cut contact with them they would die, that i would be responsible for killing someone. i felt that anything they did to me paled in comparison to what i would do to them if i left, so i let them do whatever they wanted, for years and years and years.

emotional abuse is far more insidious than you appear to think. the door can be wide open, and it can be as simple as a block button, but when someone's god you brainwashed that block button may as well be the trigger of a gun, pointed at the other person's head.

dude. i know that. but being in an emotionally abusive relationship with a person who lives near you or even WITH you is an entirely different beast than having a shitty rp partner

the I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF behavior was rampant in like 2005 but we're all old enough to know better than to fall for that shit now. block, move on, and don't try to make the situation look more dramatic by claiming legitimate abuse. it looks like a grab for sympathy, and if you wanna play that game, that's pretty manipulative too

a block button being the trigger of a gun... jesus christ, anon

look i know it sounds dramatic, but it can really feel like that if you've had your head fucked with enough. it IS a different beast, but blowing it off as if it can't do real psychological damage to someone is rather short sighted. i've watched people drop out of school and blow off basic needs like eating and sleeping because someone's made them into their e-lifeline.

and even when you do try the "block, move on" method, sometimes that's not enough. there's a lot of ways to track people down and stalk them if you're really dedicated. make a new account, use a proxy. distance doesn't even preclude financial and social concerns these days. we do everything online. you can look up someone's family on facebook in two minutes. you can financially "support" (read: control) someone from a million miles away.

abuse is defined by an imbalance of power and a series of damaging behaviours that seek to control the victim. that can absolutely happen via an online relationship.

dude. stahp. the dramatics right now are out of control

i'm trying to have a genuine conversation with you about the definition of abuse and the ways it can occur, anon.

and i have told you i'm aware. i've also said i've been through my own shit. i don't need you to sit here and throw scarewords at me because i already know. all this is doing is blowing the situation way, way out of proportion and giving people like op an excuse to not do anything because ohhh x, y and z could happen

you KNOW the chances of op being in a situation like that are incredibly low. dw is full of shitty people with issues, but shitty people with issues who have the drive to actively stalk and ruin the lives of someone a million miles away? not so much. that's fucking rare

stop feeding in to the poor victim mentality in dw rp because once you turn everyone in to a victim, no one is anymore. save the drama for the real crazies

i'm not trying to turn everyone into a victim, though. you were giving me the impression that you thought abuse couldn't happen via an online relationship at all, which is what i was trying to refute. i wasn't really talking about op specifically, merely trying to give examples of how abuse can happen over any distance in this day and age.

why are you so incredibly hung up on the fact that this definition of 'abuse' isn't 'being beaten by a domestic partner'

a·buse
treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly.

it's not a competition or be-all-end-all and you can absolutely be emotionally abused by an online friend that using a block button won't necessarily help at all.

enh, i both agree and disagree on that, because i take a very similar stance with rp relationships and the "no stakes" attitude toward it, and i'm a lot more likely to cut people off the moment i get bad vibes, but not all people are like me (or like us). guilt and love and obligation can really do a number on some people.

similarly, the fact that it's all online means that a lot of people also can easily discount the potential shitty abusiveness of certain behaviors, cause "it's all online, there's no rl implicatoins!" people don't have to come into your home and gut your cat for it to be abuse. someone you thought was a dear friend saying shit behind your back, warning other people off you, lying and manipulating you and being able to do it cause it was all online and you thought they were good people-- sure, the block button is all you need to solve the problem for good (hopefully no stalking antics), but blocking doesn't fix the feeling of being taken advantage of, feeling like an idiot, feeling like even more of an idiot because when times were good they were SO GOOD and you miss having the person you thought was your great friend to talk with even tho they were a dirtbag. it's a start, but really only that.

feeling taken advantage of and like an idiot because your ex-friend is saying shitty things about you behind your back isn't abuse, tho. people fight. people do shitty things to each other when they fight. but that doesn't make it abuse just because the people involved have their feelings hurt

in dw rp, too many people are using the "they were abusive" line to cast all the blame on the person they had a falling out with. it's an easy way to wash their hands of a situation and a problem and to ignore the fact that, shit, maybe they did some things the other person could consider abusive too by those standards. i've seen that behavior a lot even recently and that's not something any of us should agree with or condone

sometimes people have personalities that don't mix. sometimes life situations change and the people you thought would be there for you can't be for whatever reason. fights hurt people. doesn't necessarily make anyone in the equation abusive, and like i said upthread, we really, really need to save the dramatics for the people who actually deserve it

i uh, don't know how you'd define abuse, but if i had a "friend" who was going around saying shit things behind my back and lying to me and isolating me from other friends (by saying shitty things about me to them), i'd consider that pretty abusive.

tbh anon, i think you're reading too much into things. we don't know what original anon's rp partner did that set this off, and they're just looking for some advice on how to cope after someone's been a shithead to them, and criticizing their choice of wording and labeling things as dramatic seem excessive when we have no idea what took place. maybe the things you described are what happened-- they fought, they had clashing personalities, rp partner said some totally reasonable thing and op flipped out. maybe the rp partner legit stalked them, maybe they stole money, maybe they were just a shithead who took advantage, maybe they came over to their house and gutted their cat. we don't know, but it doesn't really matter either.

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