good luck to your dad on his path to downton abbey BNFdom

[rpanonyoda]

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Comments

ayrt

[(Anonymous)]

I understand your point, although I'm not buying all of your explanations since you also said they make more money than you. That indicates that you feel they don't have an excuse for not sending you a present. You very much seem to be thinking this in terms of money, even if the lack of gushing plays a part, too.

Gift-giving is a slippery slope between friends. It's too easy to get into a cycle where you start spending more and more each year. Even if you're both in the position to give $60 gifts, it doesn't mean you should.

da

[(Anonymous)]

Two dollars or two hundred dollars. What about common courtesy? And it's silly to act like money doesn't matter. It does. It's not like OP would have just set that 60 bucks on fire if the option of buying gifts hadn't been there.

OP, your friend should have at the very least said thank you for the gift, even if they didn't like it. You put thought, effort, time and funds into doing something kind for them, that's plenty worthy of a thank you.

ayrt

[(Anonymous)]

I don't disagree about the common courtesy part, but I don't know what you mean about "silly to act like money doesn't matter" as I've been saying all along it does matter.

OP mentioned that this time they bought "ton of stuff". It's possible their friend felt it was too much. Sure, they should have thanked but if they felt overwhelmed and pressured to give as much or more, maybe silence was all they could think of.

I don't blame OP's feelings. I would have been hurt in the same situation, but notice the tone OP is already talking about their friend: "knowing that not only will the favor not be returned, but they'll LIE about it".

The trust is gone if after one incident (that they have never even discussed), OP knows they are never going to get any gifts from their friend anymore, and they know the friend will lie to them in the future.

op

[(Anonymous)]

I didn't say I don't trust them anymore. I wonder if you're also making assumptions about whether this has changed our relationship at all, too, when it hasn't, unless she's feeling things I'm not aware of. It's the same as always, but I was curious as to how to possibly approach the situation of asking her about it, because, like I said to someone else, if she didn't like the gift, I don't want to get another one like it and make her feel frustrated, and I don't want her to feel guilty about a gift never getting to me, either, but that I am a little miffed that I know that she could've and that she knew well in advance that I was getting her one and had plenty of opportunity to either call off the annual gift exchange or let me know that she wasn't able to get me one.

My biggest irritant is the high likelihood she lied to me about it. That hurts my feelings. If she felt it was too much and didn't say anything, it'd also hurt my feelings, because we both promised to be candid with one another (and I plan to, but I was seeking advice before doing so). Last year I also spent more money on her than she did on me (a lot of what she went was hand-me-down things she'd already had) but she also knew how much I loved everything she sent to me.

I'm hurt, not distrustful. I just want to know the truth, want to know what went wrong (whether she forgot, etc), want to know if she avoided gushing about the gifts I got her because she felt bad she didn't get me something in return, and most importantly, whether she liked the stuff I got her because there's another one I want to get her for her birthday or this Christmas if she did like the last gift.

Re: ayrt

[(Anonymous)]

It's really irritating you seem to be picking up on one little thing and running with it even after I'm trying to explain to you that isn't what I'm feeling and that you're extrapolating your own meaning and making assumptions without regard to my explanation. You don't know what I'm feeling and you're not the amazing internet psychologist you seem to think you are.

The reason why I mentioned the money situation is to explain why my first thought wasn't "maybe she can't afford it," because that NOT being my first thought would've been rude as fuck. Her having the money for it means that the explanation likely lies somewhere else. Also, had she not had the money (like last year on my birthday), in the past, she'd told me beforehand, "I'm sorry, I can't afford a gift for you this year," and we agreed my 'gift' would be a Skype call since we hadn't chatted in a while.

So, no, she doesn't have the excuse of money for not getting a gift, and she knows from previous example that I was okay with it if money was the problem. So the question is: what was it this time?