rpanons | don't be jelly i was a handmaiden of satan in another life

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i dunno maybe i'm just pessimistic but i did most of those things and never found them particularly magical.

first kiss? made me realize i hate kissing. bf was sloppy and overly aggressive and tonguey and it wasn't hot.

first time? also lackluster. maybe for men it's better but it's not like teenagers really know how to direct a guy as to what to do with their vagina so i just kind of let him do whatever and thought it was a kind of boring, mildly painful experience overall.

people who reminisce about stuff like that are rare exceptions who actually had great firsts, or they're lying to themselves about how great it was because they're bored of or dissatisfied with their current life. i feel the same about reminiscing about high school in general. it wasn't that great for most people unless you had an exceptional experience but even then... you have your whole life ahead of you?? my life got much better after i graduated and after working shitty jobs for a few years. i don't miss that time of my life at all lmao.

you're likely to have a better first time late in your life anyway when you're more confident/know what you want, and ideally, your partner is too.

I get where you're coming from, but it's still sometimes depressing to have to hear or see these things and realize you're not part of the 'normal' group. Definitely when you're already feeling a bit lonely.

I realize the physical stuff isn't going to be magically good. But being in love/loved in return is something I really wish I knew what it felt like. And the way things stand now, I have no idea if it'll ever stand a chance to happen in the near future.

your experience isn't as uncommon as you seem to think (i mean, for a very extreme example of what not to emulate, see: the incel community). i know this is venting and not an advice/consolation thread, but it is becoming more and more common imo for people to delay finding a partner or experiencing this shit, so don't feel like you're an outlier. lots more people 'miss the boat,' nobody just talks about it.

if you want this to change tho, ask yourself:
are you meeting new people? are you stepping outside your comfort zone? are you willing to make the first move instead of waiting? are you willing to compromise for a partner? are you putting yourself out there, opening up to people, etc? maybe most importantly, why are you looking for this experience, and will getting it actually give you what you really want?

when i was in hs, i was so afraid i wasn't 'girlfriend material.' i ended up finding a bf 3 months before graduating, and it was bc we went on a club trip together and i forgot all those anxieties. it was just cool to hang out, i wasn't thinking of dating him at all. in retrospect, i think i was projecting my own lack of self worth so heavily other people could pick up on it and it was a turn off. just relax.

The answer to most of those questions is no, which I know is a problem. I'm at a point where I hate myself so much I can't see anyone wanting to interact with me, which is holding me back from trying anymore. It's something I realize, and something I should work on.

I'm bothered by it lately because I used to have no interest in boyfriends, it never bothered me in highschool I didn't have anyone, or even in college and the time after. I don't think anyone ever even showed that kind of interest in me, unless I completely missed it. I don't know. It's a recent thing where I feel like I'm wasting away my life and going to die young and alone. I'm never going to be an old lady who has stories to tell about how they were once in love, that sort of feeling.

It's gotten to the point where people say things like "well since you're planning to forever be alone anyway-". It kills me on the inside each time, like I planned this all along? I just want to scream at them that no, I don't want to, it's just the reality right now and I don't know how to help myself. It's what the venting here is about.

If it really is something that's becoming more common, I wish people would talk about it, I hate feeling like an alien...

i know that feel, anon.

i've had very few people show interest in me. i have a lot of dealbreakers so my local options are bottom of the barrel garbage.

first of all, i'm sorry you feel that way, but i'm glad you recognize that it's something you have to work on. although things may seem pretty hopeless right now, i do wanna emphasize that working on yourself is something that is absolutely within your power to do -- certainly more than relying on random chance or on the whims of others. your actions and your choices are something within your control.

i think, if you feel up to it, you should feel to express to people your discomfort when they say things like that. maybe they're assuming you're still 'ok' with it, especially if (as you said) up to this point you really didn't have any interest in romance at all. people can often be very casually cruel without realizing it, especially if you're good at bottling things up and not showing it.

you mentioned earlier that you felt lonely. to be honest, it sounds to me like perhaps what you're looking for doesn't have much to do with romance specifically, but it may just be that you're craving more meaningful human connection in general. you said as well that this is a recent development, so perhaps something has changed in your life that's making you feel a little more disconnected from people/the things you used to enjoy. this sounds similar enough to experiences i've gone through that i would strongly encourage you to spend some time -- with a therapist if you have access to one, or even one of those mindfulness apps -- just sitting with those feelings and sorting out what's caused them, and how you can address them. it's a crappy way to feel, and there usually isn't just one cause.

when i was 20, i remember being seized with a hopeless, existential terror that i hadn't accomplished anything of worth etc. but i think that's laughable now. of course i hadn't accomplished anything -- i hadn't given myself a chance. as long as i didn't allow myself to be vulnerable and open to recognizing life's experiences when they were presented to me, they would always pass me by. regardless of what society trains us into believing, life and the opportunity to experience the giddy firsts of love doesn't stop at some arbitrary number. who you are is never a fixed point; people are always a work in progress. it sounds cheesy, but people possess an infinite capacity to reinvent themselves.

anyway, sorry for the tl;dr, but i wish you the best of luck, and hope you can be kinder to yourself.

hey just wanted to say I read this but didn't get around to replying.

I definitely need more human contact in my life and not always tackle everything on my own. It would help a lot.

I'll try to work on it, thank you for listening and thank you for the advice. <3

don't be jelly i was a handmaiden of satan in another life

tmi i guess

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