don't be jelly i was a handmaiden of satan in another life

[socksuke_uchiha]

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Comments

Re: da

[(Anonymous)]

The answer to most of those questions is no, which I know is a problem. I'm at a point where I hate myself so much I can't see anyone wanting to interact with me, which is holding me back from trying anymore. It's something I realize, and something I should work on.

I'm bothered by it lately because I used to have no interest in boyfriends, it never bothered me in highschool I didn't have anyone, or even in college and the time after. I don't think anyone ever even showed that kind of interest in me, unless I completely missed it. I don't know. It's a recent thing where I feel like I'm wasting away my life and going to die young and alone. I'm never going to be an old lady who has stories to tell about how they were once in love, that sort of feeling.

It's gotten to the point where people say things like "well since you're planning to forever be alone anyway-". It kills me on the inside each time, like I planned this all along? I just want to scream at them that no, I don't want to, it's just the reality right now and I don't know how to help myself. It's what the venting here is about.

If it really is something that's becoming more common, I wish people would talk about it, I hate feeling like an alien...

da

[(Anonymous)]

i know that feel, anon.

i've had very few people show interest in me. i have a lot of dealbreakers so my local options are bottom of the barrel garbage.

ayrt

[(Anonymous)]

first of all, i'm sorry you feel that way, but i'm glad you recognize that it's something you have to work on. although things may seem pretty hopeless right now, i do wanna emphasize that working on yourself is something that is absolutely within your power to do -- certainly more than relying on random chance or on the whims of others. your actions and your choices are something within your control.

i think, if you feel up to it, you should feel to express to people your discomfort when they say things like that. maybe they're assuming you're still 'ok' with it, especially if (as you said) up to this point you really didn't have any interest in romance at all. people can often be very casually cruel without realizing it, especially if you're good at bottling things up and not showing it.

you mentioned earlier that you felt lonely. to be honest, it sounds to me like perhaps what you're looking for doesn't have much to do with romance specifically, but it may just be that you're craving more meaningful human connection in general. you said as well that this is a recent development, so perhaps something has changed in your life that's making you feel a little more disconnected from people/the things you used to enjoy. this sounds similar enough to experiences i've gone through that i would strongly encourage you to spend some time -- with a therapist if you have access to one, or even one of those mindfulness apps -- just sitting with those feelings and sorting out what's caused them, and how you can address them. it's a crappy way to feel, and there usually isn't just one cause.

when i was 20, i remember being seized with a hopeless, existential terror that i hadn't accomplished anything of worth etc. but i think that's laughable now. of course i hadn't accomplished anything -- i hadn't given myself a chance. as long as i didn't allow myself to be vulnerable and open to recognizing life's experiences when they were presented to me, they would always pass me by. regardless of what society trains us into believing, life and the opportunity to experience the giddy firsts of love doesn't stop at some arbitrary number. who you are is never a fixed point; people are always a work in progress. it sounds cheesy, but people possess an infinite capacity to reinvent themselves.

anyway, sorry for the tl;dr, but i wish you the best of luck, and hope you can be kinder to yourself.

Re: ayrt

[(Anonymous)]

hey just wanted to say I read this but didn't get around to replying.

I definitely need more human contact in my life and not always tackle everything on my own. It would help a lot.

I'll try to work on it, thank you for listening and thank you for the advice. <3