rpanons | oh, dreamwidth park is lonely in the dark/all the horny memes have no tag-outs

oh, dreamwidth park is lonely in the dark/all the horny memes have no tag-outs

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Is this the right place for this? It seems like it?

So I joined a game. I liked the premise of this game. I have a problem with inertia, personally. If I suffer from failure to launch when I start a game, it's very hard for me to pull that character up from their faceplant and get them going again. When my tagging speed is slow, I get angry at myself and lose even more motivation because I'm sure that I've blown it and the person interacting with me just won't respond next time because they can't be bothered with slow responders.

I recognize this, so I went into the game full-throttle.

I tagged out, I made posts, I participated in the IC memes and tagged everyone I could even conceivably justify tagging. I participated in OOC discussion and plotting as well. I figured if I start with a flurry of activity, I'd be good. And initially, it did seem to work. I got a lot of engagement both IC and OOC.

I was a little worried that I might be grating on nerves being too outgoing, or making everything about my character by constantly trying to seek out CR, so I tried to off-set this by making it very clear that if you don't want to talk to me or interact with my character, I totally understood. If anyone found me annoying or didn't like something, then I was happy to adjust my behavior. I was told in response that I was fine every time I would say this.

Then one day I tried to react to a message from someone I'd been interacting with, and found out they'd blocked me.

The thread we were in the middle of never received another response. Another person suddenly changed their mind in-character and disengaged with a thread. It wasn't dropped per se, it was just hastily ended. The person behind this was still friendly OOCly, though, and talked about having future threads, so it may just have been they were too busy to continue the thread.

Nevertheless I decided that these two events close together meant I must have done something wrong, and tried to adjust my behavior to ensure I was bothering people less. I looked over everything I said closely, multiple times, to make sure there was nothing I could have done or said that caused this, and my only conclusion was that I was being annoying.

Then an event happened in game. This was my first really big event and I was excited to participate in it, because it was really good for establishing plot threads and getting CR.

There was just one problem: the plot REQUIRED characters to be put into pairs - no partner, no participation, your character would be comatose instead - and the method for setting this up was that players themselves had to contact other players. The mods did nothing to ensure everyone participating had their own partner, you needed to find your own (and on a time limit, because if you found one after sign ups closed, it would not count).

I did try, but everyone I approached already had another pairing in mind, and any time the discussion came up and I said 'hey my character needs a partner' I was just ignored. While the event was going, everyone was only posting in the event, and only talking OOCly about the event.

I flailed around, tried to keep my motivation up and fight inertia, but as time went on, responses seemed to get shorter, less people responded at all, and they were less engaged and friendly. I decided I was probably just spamming in my effort to be active OOC, and pulled back out of interacting OOC pretty much at all.

In retrospect, this was a mistake. If you don't engage OOCly, you don't get IC engagement. So my plotting posts were ignored because I didn't reach out to theirs first, my IC posts got fewer responses, and my motivation tanked as the inertia I was trying to resist settled in.

Events started happening that really focused on a small group of people, and you could in theory crowbar your character in without pre-established CR, but it was really obviously written with the assumption anyone participating already knew and were close with the people in question. In retrospect, I should have crowbarred the character in, but by then I struggled to get motivation to post.

Then people started making things that addressed 'everyone' or 'was personalized to everyone' or etc, and it really wasn't everyone, it was just that group of people. And I understand why - I'd been devoured by social anxiety and inertia, withdrawing more and more because I felt unwelcome as a player, so why would anyone address my character?

Still, it sucks that people say 'everyone' and they really mean 'this group of friends'. If it said 'everyone' I still checked.

I'd like to say it's just a cliquey game, but I know I'm at fault. I overcompensated for ways I'd struggled in the past and clearly must have annoyed people, and my attempts to fix it only succeeded in isolating me.

No one ever told me they had a problem with me, no one told me what issues they had with my behavior.

And...honestly, for some reason I find it very very hard to tell when someone dislikes me if they don't say so outright. In person and especially online. I actually find it extremely hard to tell when people like me, either. I've had people I thought were neutral declare suddenly they hate me, and I've had others ask why I'm being cold to someone I thought was neutral toward because 'don't you know that person wants to be your friend?'.

I recognize this as a weakness, so I try my absolute hardest to recognize what to me seems like subtle cues of discomfort or annoyance. If I see anything at all that might indicate dislike or discomfort I immediately disengage or back off.

Maybe this time this worked against me and I saw shadows that weren't there. I really don't know.

Still...I'm sad.

It's my fault I ended up in this situation.

I'm frustrated with this game (that will remain unnamed both because I'm not trying to create drama and because it would certainly out me) because of that event, but it was still on me that I let it ruin my momentum and become demotivated and depressed over it. And that's why I'm not annoyed, I'm just...sad.

I really tried to be a good player, build CR, and make it work, and in the end I don't even know why I failed. I can only guess.

And vent anonymously, because I don't want to annoy anyone I know with listening to my whining.

And yes, I expect that people might think I'm trying to omit some kind of bad behavior because that makes the most sense, but I can only assure you - I didn't do anything.

wow that's so much longer than I realized it would be. I apologize, it didn't look that big in the text box...

anon i mean this is the nicest way possible

literally none of what you just wrote is healthy

Ah, perhaps not. All the more reason to remain anonymous about it, so I don't make myself more trouble.

ngl i would avoid anon too, they're giving off major red flags of overinvestment

Feels bad. I guess it might seem like over investment, but my entire goal was to get along and not make anyone feel uncomfortable. But I understand. Now that I've admitted to the anxious response, I also want to remain anonymous so that people don't feel obligated to respond to me or afraid that if they somehow upset me I'll run to an anon comm and drag them.

from an outside perspective (i'm not in any games): it sounds like you jumped the gun and made some assumptions because of anxiety. without seeing specific wording, i am going to assume here that you're correct in guessing that you overcompensated. most people won't come out and tell someone they're being annoying unless they're close enough with that person to speak to them that bluntly or they're an asshole.

a majority of players want to avoid confrontation and will disengage/unfriend/block people that are bothersome to them rather than say anything. i think where you went wrong was misinterpreting people engaging with you ic and ooc as doing it out of some feeling of obligation. most people around here don't tag in or reply to tags or talk to people ooc when they don't want to. it isn't hard to just not reply to someone that you don't feel like interacting with. it's much easier to do that than to come out and tell someone they're being annoying or you don't like their character.

in the future, consider journaling or doing something else offline until the feeling of insecurity passes. try to remember that if people are interacting with you it's because they want to. a lot of people in dwrp have had bad experiences with overly anxious people so that may have triggered some people to check out once you sent out the "do you like me? check yes or no" memo. imho messages like that reek of someone seeking constant buttpats and reassurances, and that can become exhausting for people to deal with on a regular basis.

You know, I didn't think of the fact that the messages might be considered as some kind of nagging 'do you like me' thing, I was just trying to be as courteous and open as possible so that people who didn't want to engage could avoid it and not feel like I was pressuring them or not giving them the opportunity.

I'll try to adjust my behavior going forward to avoid such issues in the future, and remember your advice. I don't think there's any helping this situation now but in future situations I'll apply it.

DA

I'm not unsympathetic to the anxiety that pushed you to do this but I think anon above is likely right on the money on what went wrong here. I second their suggestion about journaling out these feelings, and also, I would encourage you to do your best to relax and just enjoy threading with people who are engaging with you.

For an example of this:

Fine behavior: having an opt out post clearly marked and posted on your journal, checking in when threads and plots touch on potentially triggering topics
Tiring behavior: reassuring your rp partners every time they plot with you that if they don't want to play with you they can back out at any time

Were you leaning more towards the second option? If so, after a certain point you will be doing your rp partners a courtesy if you just trust their reassurances that they want to play with you and believe in their consistent tags as evidence that they are having a good time.

That said your game sounds like it has some issues with cliquiness if so many event posts truly are written with only a handful of people in mind. It might be best to let this one fade and try again with another game.

I'd say probably in the middle road between fine and tiring? It's hard to describe without saying things that could out me and boy do I not want that. I clearly marked posts, I warned for any unpleasant possible content, I warned new people who were interested in interacting with me about that content, but I didn't continuously remind people who already agreed to it. And then sometimes I might worry that I'd ramble on too much OOCly, and was told it was fine.

It is possible that my perception of how often I said it was skewed, or it's possible though they said the rambling chatter was acceptable it wasn't. Or maybe it really is just that it was an incredibly cliquey game and there was never a right answer and I've been trying to fit in somewhere that didn't have room in the first place.

Sometimes RP just sucks like this as well. ;( If you're uncomfortable in game now it might be best to move on and start fresh. I also second the anons suggesting help. You are worthy of time, care and resources too!

SA

sorry about the double post, dreamwidth wigged out for a minute there

it's probably a cliquey game or the players are already saturated with cr and not looking for anything new. no idea why someone would block you - could be they don't like your character/canon or maybe they think you're friends with a wanker or maybe you're playing the character their bbf wanted to play or maybe your character gives them war flashbacks for some reason. who knows.

i'd say drop the game and try out a different one. not every game is going to be a good fit for everyone. sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right one.

Honestly, it may be that. I have for a while been tempted to look for another game and drop the current one. I don't know why I feel so bad about the idea of dropping, though. I suppose I just keep convincing myself if I try I can overcome and get back on track. I'll probably feel better if I stop trying and just go elsewhere.

Probably not gonna do that until this post gets buried in detritus though, lol. I'm not going to do myself any favors if people in my new game think I'm going to run to an anon comm and complain if they don't pay attention to me.

anon, i say this with love and i hope you'll take it the way it's meant (not judgmentally), but maybe seek out therapy/medication for social anxiety if you haven't already. it sounds like you expend a lot of energy thinking about social situations and that can't feel good. lots of us have been there, it's common but it doesn't have to be your reality

I appreciate that. I really don't want to take up resources for others, though. While I can't argue this situation is clearly rooted in social anxiety, there's people who no matter what can't stop being overtly anxious. For me, I can turn that anxiety off and just not care what anyone thinks about anything. It's just doing so makes me a very abrasive person. Which isn't conducive to interacting in groups. It's when I try to make friends and be social and accommodating that I utterly fail at what is apparently basic social cues, and trying to compensate for it twists me all up into this awful spiral of anxiety.

Perhaps that is something therapy could indeed help, though.

acting like an asshole to convince yourself that you're unaffected is classic anxiety self defense, anon. please give yourself the gift of help and be at peace

anon, this level of anxiety and bad self-esteem is actively damaging your life and your ability to socialise. this exact situation is what therapy is made for. you're the kind of person who needs those resources.

It does sound like you probably came on too strong, but there might be other factors that played into why this game just didn't really work for you. This will also be long, but here are some things I'd take into consideration. You don't have to actually answer these questions, but they might be useful things to keep in mind moving forward if you struggle with this kind of thing often.

1. What kind of character were you playing, and do you think that could have contributed to the issue? If you're playing from the hot new canon and running into this problem, it's likely an OOC issue, but sometimes a character just doesn't mesh well with a game or interest anyone else much, and that's not necessarily your fault. Playing from older or more obscure canons can be one factor. So is playing something very different from the majority of the playbase – like playing the one anime character in a game of mostly LA, or an older adult in a game with mostly teens, or something with a genre clash like a cartoony character while most others are from more serious canons.

2. When initially enthusiastically jumping into things, was it all you reaching out first, or did you initially get a decent amount of people hitting you up on toplevels and plotting posts? I get the need to be very proactive to get things going, especially if you're playing a less popular character or going into a game you don't already have friends in, but I think some moderation here can be useful. Most people aren't likely to shoot down a new person even if they aren't especially interested, and if you've already hit them up then they don't need to come to you. So if you respond to almost everything, you're probably going to get a lot of polite seemingly-receptive responses, but that might not be a great indication of how interested people actually are. It might be counterintuitive, but maybe try only reaching out to a handful of people you're really eager to do something with and leave some breathing room to see if anyone else responded to your stuff on their own. It'd also give less of an impression that you're just throwing everything at the wall to see what sticks.

3. How substantial were your attempts to reach out first? Did you take initiative to do interesting things with IC threads? Did you come at people with plot ideas yourself, or just hit up a lot of people with generic "we should do something/i'd love CR with your character!" responses? Even if I was initially open to threading with someone new, I'd probably get tired of it quick if that person always left all the heavy-lifting in plotting and threading up to me but OOCly was impossible to avoid.

4. How big was the game? For stuff like the partnered event, in a big game it seems hard to imagine that not a single other person was partnerless. It's demoralizing when you make general "hey my character needs a partner" comments and no one bites, but did anyone else make similar comments that you could have taken the initiative with? Sometimes people are nervous responding to open calls like that if they don't already have CR. And if the game was small and you really were the sole odd one out, that's on the mods for running an event like that without taking into account things like an odd number of players or what would happen if someone got stuck with a flaky partner. It sucks hard when you feel like everyone's last choice, but give yourself a break and try to recognize where things might have been out of your control.

Thank you for the response and suggestions.

1. I'll refrain from saying because the worst thing would be outing myself, but I will keep in mind these things even more going forward about how well they may mesh with the existing cast.

2. I got a lot of responses to my top levels and a moderate amount of responses to my plotting posts initially. I followed up on those responses with boomerang tags and tagging out to those people in other things to help try to build up CR potential.

3. I did my utmost to come up with ways the character could interact with them, suggested plots and dynamics, and even made plans for future threads and interactions they could have. I was conscious of the 'don't come at people expecting them to do the heavy lifting' concept, so if I approached them I always made sure to come up with ideas. It's part of why I worried maybe I was coming on too strong.

4. The game was on the smaller end. I didn't see anyone looking for a partner who didn't get one. Not everyone in the game participated. I agree that it's really on the mods rather than the players. Setting up an event that requires IC partnerships, then doing nothing to ensure everyone who signs up gets one, and having the opt-out be 'skip playing for a bit' is just asking for people to be left out.

Re: the first point, it's definitely not always a problem. Sometimes people are great about interacting with literally any character, and I've seen people find niches for extreme outlier characters and have great success with them. But your explanation reminded me of someone I remember from a game I used to be in who was playing an extremely cartoony character – think like "talking inanimate object" levels of cartoony. They were clearly trying very hard to get involved in things but no one ever really seemed interested and it was pretty sad and awkward seeing their attempts repeatedly fall flat. They seemed nice enough OOCly and I feel bad that the character they wanted to play was one no one else cared to play with, but it just didn't mesh well with the game at all.

hey anon.

i'm not a mental health professional and i think you should seek genuine clinical opinion, but: i'm autistic and my closest friends are autistic, are you also autistic?

other anons said "social anxiety" and i can see that you are anxious but it's in the way autistic people learn anxiety: they can't read social cues and don't know how to naturally fit in, deal with the consequences of social faux pas they don't realize they're making, and try to analyze situations to work out a logical series of rules for behaviours that will keep them safe.

even just your way of writing feels like an indicator to me since you haven't changed your syntax and case to mirror the way other anons speak here.

anyway maybe i am totally wrong, there's lots of different forms of neurodivergence. but my diagnosis really helped me find resources that improved my social skills, and put accommodations in place to help me. "hey, i have autism and i'm not great at taking hints, but i won't be upset or angry if you would like me to leave you alone; i don't need reassurance, just honesty" is a script that has helped me resolve situations like this early.

finding other autistic people in dwrp also helped me find a group i fit in with rather than being pushed out. i hope even if you're not autistic you manage to find your people too!

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oh, dreamwidth park is lonely in the dark/all the horny memes have no tag-outs

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