i hate how i feel so petty and jealous over other people who play the same character as me because they manage to snag ships so easily that i have to work so hard to get.

i'll have played the character for months, have great cross-canon cr, plenty of tags, have castmates to click with. but then i'll see this other person pick up the same character and suddenly everyone is flocking to suck their dick almost immediately and i'm wondering what i'm doing wrong that i can't get that kind of reaction.

i know i'm more reserved and conservative about my preferences and don't do all the wild dirty threads that a lot of the popular players seem to do. is that it? are my personal preferences and style that different to most everyone else in this hobby so that it's fine for gen but makes shipping harder?

i hate feeling like this because i know this makes me sound petty and irritable. i guess i just never understood why it's so much harder for me when i'm doing everything else right but just can't seem to attract the ships. which is such a stupid thing to be irritable about of all things. i should be happy to talk with others who like the character. but i get so jealous and i hate feeling this way because i know i shouldn't.

sorry, i really had to vent this out because there's no way i can admit this to anyone. just reading everything i just typed up makes me want to smack myself for being this petty, but it was kind of therapeutic. i don't let it affect how i interact with others because i honestly don't want to cause a stink or drama and i know what i feel is stupid. it is fun to share ideas and stories and it's not like i get nothing at all so i should happy for that. i don't consider my characterization better, either. but this is something i've seen happening for years and it just kind of hit hard i guess.