rpanons | Beware

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i do miss you. it's been years now. literal years. the last time we spoke, it sent me into an anxious, depressive tailspin that was difficult to climb out of. i did, though. and now that i've had time and distance, years later, i've been able to think back on everything that happened between us.

i said it before, last time, but i don't think you heard me. i know it's been long enough now that the messages are gone. still: i'm sorry. i'm sorry for the way things happened, and the things that did. i am not wrong in thinking that you were toxic for me; what i didn't understand way back then was that everything i'd learned to do, say, and be made me toxic for you, too. we were just bad for each other. neither of us was good for the other, and we messed it all up in trying to be. so i'm sorry for the part i played in what happened. i was young and stupid and desperate for validation; i should have realized that what was going on wasn't healthy and put a stop to it.

at the same time, i won't accept all the fault. you were older than me, and should have known better. half of the behaviors i exhibited at that time, i learned from my abuser; the other half, i learned from you. you were my everything, the most important in the world to me. i saw how you acted, and tried to model myself after you, because i thought that that was how adults acted, and i wanted so desperately to impress you. you were my everything, and i was too stupid to realize that possessiveness, jealousy, and passive aggression had no place in any relationship, whether platonic or romantic.

i do have to thank you, though. after our schism, i vowed i would never be that way again. i would never act like you, or treat other people the way you treated me. it's made me a better person, i think. it's made me a bit of a pushover, but that's alright. i'm honestly much happier this way. rather than putting myself first, i think of everyone else before doing something. instead of being passive aggressive, i've let go of just about all aggression. things like that. it's given me the ability to step back and think on what happened, and understand my part in it.

these are all things i've wanted to tell you, for a while now, and (obviously) haven't. halfway because i'm not sure i'm ready to re-initiate contact, halfway because i'm afraid you won't want to hear it. i remember you, the way you were. so full of pride, unable to accept that you could do wrong, and becoming aggressively depressed the few times you did. i want to message you, and tell you again that i'm sorry for the things i said and did. i've come close to doing it many times. the problem is that i want you to say sorry too, and that you understand your part in our fracture. the part of me that is grown hopes that you've grown too, and the part of me that remembers how you used to be is terrified that you're still that same person.

the part of me that remembers how you used to be, but has grown, is still terrified of you.

the last time we spoke, it had been a year or two since our rupture. i'd had time to think; i spoke true, and frank. it upset you, and we haven't spoken since. i just want you to know that what i'd said at that time still holds true: i forgive you, and i am sorry. i don't know if i'm ready to try to start over with you, but if you have also grown, and can understand your part, and forgive mine, then i would like to try.

maybe one day, i will collect the courage to say this to you. i think about it every time i see you online. part of me hopes that you'll be the one to message me first. stupid, i know.

still. i am here, and i miss you. i hope life has been kind to you. maybe our paths will cross again, someday. despite myself, i truly hope so.

i've been in a very similar situation, so i feel like this may be about me.

if so, please don't be afraid to talk to me. i know i did wrong, i know. i was an absolute piece of shit to you, even if i feel like you wronged me as well. that doesn't change what i did to you, though. i was childish, petty and clung too tightly to you, and i never should have done any of those things. i've grown enough to realize that i'm most likely far more at fault than you. it doesn't depress me, it just is what it is.

even if it's not about me, i'm sure the person it is about would love to hear from you. i'm sure they've done just as much growing up as i have.

but if it is: trust me, i understand that i did a lot of things wrong too. i just felt like you didn't understand your part in everything, but apparently you do. but just like you're afraid to contact me, i'm absolutely terrified of contacting you. that means we're at a standstill, doesn't it? especially since it sounds like we're afraid to contact each other for the exact same reason.

i would love to hear from you. i would love to start over. i'm so sorry. i'm so sorry for everything i did to you. you were in such a bad place, and i know i didn't help at all.

and even if this isn't about me? it was nice to get off my chest. so thank you.

Beware

Re: LETTERS YOU'LL NEVER SEND

Re: LETTERS YOU'LL NEVER SEND