rpanons | Don't bother

Don't bother

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what's a good way to get over hating the way you look without needing medication? i'm incredibly displeased with how i look and it's weight gain and just hating everything about myself, but i'm partially disabled and can't do a lot of exercising to lose weight. i don't eat a lot, so cutting back on my meals isn't really an option, but exercising is next to impossible without sending me into spasms and causing me crippling pain. it's gotten to the point where i won't even go see anyone because i don't want them seeing how i look. people keep wanting me to go out and do things and i just don't want anyone to see me because i don't want to see me.

i have a history of cutting and self mutilation as well, so this is a long-term image issue. i didn't realize how bad it actually was until i posted on fb that i was dying from heat and my cousin offered to have me over for a pool night and dinner and stuff and i balked because i don't want anyone seeing me in anything less than full pants and long sleeved shirts. and even then, it bothers me that people that i know from years ago who are used to me being smaller might have to see me as this. and even people i know now who haven't seen me in a while always say 'you lost weight' when they see me again, which is a lie because i haven't, but they really think i have, which makes me think everyone mentally pictures me as fatter than i am. and since i'm fat, that's just terrible.

i just want to hang out with my family and friends without wanting to wear a sheet over myself the whole time and not hate myself to the point i do.

There are lots of different ways to exercise that might not trigger your pain. Swimming (even just being in the water) can be a help. There are lots of exercise programs for people who experience pain - some targeted at an older audience, but they are no less effective for it! I don't mean to concentrate on something you said you can't do, but there is only one way to lose weight, and that's to consume fewer calories than you expend, and you already said you can't limit your diet, so. It's one or the other.

I'm a big girl, and when I was younger I had a lot of weight and body issues. I only wore long jeans and shirts. Never let anyone but my parents see me in swim wear. Didn't attend parties when my self esteem would take a dive. It's a thing I think a lot of people experience, and it's natural to want people to remember you at your best. It took me doing A LOT of staring in the mirror and trying different kinds of clothing on for me to start to accept my body. I'm big, and I'm not on any speedy train to get smaller, so it's a matter of learning to dress for your size and finding the things you like. I have no experience with self harm, I'm sorry if this isn't helpful, but you honestly need to introduce other people into your life slowly as you are, because that support is so important. Wear a dress to the supermarket. Buy some cute shorts and wear them around the house. Even if you aren't going out, put some effort into your appearance and make an effort to appreciate yourself - because I'm sure you're very beautiful! But it's nice to be reminded, especially by yourself, and then it will feel more... Natural, I guess? SAFE weight loss is always slow, because it does take longer to take off than to put the pounds on. :(

And as a final note from a lifelong big girl: everyone always thinks you've lost weight, always. ALWAYS. it's totally obnoxious, but something about seeing a a woman even slightly outside of the acceptable weight spectrum makes people think "you've lost weight" is a better compliment than "you look nice". I've found following up with a "you, too!" Is backhanded enough to be satisfying.

If you want to talk, anon, I'll be happy to give you a sock to pm.

swimming's a no-go since i don't wear shorts. i don't even own any. part of my problem is also that i don't have money for things like clothes? so i'm wearing old jean that are kind of wrecked and no alternatives. i'm on assistance and they don't allow for clothing grants anymore, so i've been without anything new for the last 8 or so years. it's also why my diet is limited to what i can afford and not what might be best for me.

and even on the off chance i could get shorts, i wouldn't wear them. not in public. and not even around my place. i don't like the way i look at all. seeing more of my flab isn't going to make me feel pretty. i have urges to fuck myself up more so i have a valid reason to hate the way i look.

it's not just the overweight thing, because logically, i know i'm not as big as some of the people i've known. i just hate everything about myself. it's compounded with personality and appearance. i can't separate the two. and on top of that, i'm close to housebound because of how much i hate being looked at. i have to scurry to and from the bathroom in case anyone sees me. i can realize and acknowledge it's not healthy, but the only answer i keep seeing online is medication, and i don't want to be more of a zombie than i am.

Below anon got it, pretty much. You sound like someone who needs professional support for this, since most advice online won't be specific enough and will take more motivation than I can give here!

I'm sorry your going through this, but with the right help it will get better. Good luck!

short answer: therapy

long answer: try to break things down into what you can and cannot change. also google "spoon theory" as it sounds like you need to learn how to not exhaust yourself to the point of trauma.

I suggest googling alternatives to self-harm, as there's plenty of lists. what works for you will depend on why you self-harm (for the pain, for distraction, to be able to see the mark, for control, etc) but some alternatives I've found helpful are holding onto ice cubes in your bare hands, which hurts but doesn't do real harm. also drawing on your arms with marker instead of blades is helpful to me since you can then also cover scars and have something to show off as opposed to something to hide.

for your self-image issues, I seriously say therapy is the way to go, since that's a lot to unpack and deal with in an anon post. a lot more than anyone here can honestly help with, but we can maybe give you a start? first, I would say find something that you can do (see spoon theory) that makes you feel good about yourself. what are you good at? what makes you feel good? don't be discouraged if this is harder to answer than it seems, since a lot of people don't have a lot good to say about themselves at first. if you can, talk to someone you trust (doesn't have to be family, but family does generally help with this) about your good traits and what they think you're good at and what they like about your appearance. sometimes having them write a list or a letter instead of tell you to your face can be easier, or harder, pick whichever you prefer and know you don't have to ask them about all these topics at once. you can break it up into whatever kinds of chunks you want.

once you have some answers to these kinds of questions, write them down on flashcards (or on your arms if you're using one of the alternatives to self-harm above) and look at them everyday and try to say them aloud and actually believe them. imagine the person who helped you with them saying these things to you and during the day, tell the thoughts in your head that try to bring you down that so-and-so said this and I believe them. break the cycle of those downward thoughts and try to replace them with new, nicer thoughts. this may feel extremely forced at first and you may get very upset about feeling like you're lying to yourself, but try to keep at it.

if you're a writing type, maybe journal your thoughts. practice with your trusted person/people saying nice things about yourself, and nice things about them too, and if they're willing, have them return the favor as well.

this kind of activity is not foolproof and doesn't work for everyone. I would give it an honest try however, and don't berate yourself if you fall backwards or mess up or just can't do part of the activity for that day. it's hard, but it's worth it if it does work out.

also, I'm no expert, I'm just a psych major, not a therapist/psychologist myself.

yeah, the problem with that is that i don't have anyone i'm close to. i've cut off contact with everyone over the last 12 years to the point i don't have anyone to talk to. which is why i'm here instead of actually talking to a friend. the cousin i mentioned is someone i haven't actually seen in 5 years and we're more a occasionally say something on fb type than actually friendly. i know it's my own fault, but between the already mentioned issues and my inability to actually connect emotionally to anyone, i've cut myself off from a lot of things.

most of the time, i don't care. i just look at what my life is and shrug. but i guess hormones crop up and i get emotional every few months, then go back to not caring. i get out of bed in the morning by calling myself a fat lazy piece of shit who needs to die. i don't do self-approval.

therapy might be helpful, but i can't seem to get referred anywhere. the mental health resources here are really shitty if you're not visibly psychotic. and even then...

social isolation is not a good idea or a good sign, but I know how hard it can be to get anywhere with that when you actively hate yourself/your appearance. if you can bring yourself to open up and get closer to someone, it would probably do you a lot of good, but if not I really highly suggest therapy.

you don't have to get a referral to see a therapist. you should be able to google see what places near you accept your insurance and what it might cost. if you're in college, they should have campus counselors, which usually can help refer you out, but if not, you can still google for cheap places anyway. group therapy can be cheaper than individual therapy, if you're really strapped for cash, but that also means dealing with groups of people instead of just the therapist...

the other alternative I can think of is to get a dog and use it as a therapy dog. dogs are ridiculously happy and loving and sometimes can help people start to work on their issues before they can trust other humans to help them. but you seriously have to be the one to take care of the dog, and not let it just become a family/household responsibility. it has to be YOUR dog, that you feed, that you walk, that you cuddle when you're feeling shitty. methods of dog therapy include taking the dog for a walk instead of cutting, and setting up a schedule for yourself that also takes the dog out of the house daily or every other day.

i'm canadian and on welfare, so my medical coverage is usually okay, but it's a matter of finding somewhere in my area i can go to that's covered and a lot of places in my area are for severe cases only. i tried to get help once during a really bad self harm phase (think 20+ staples in my arm) and they turned me away because i hadn't been diagnosed with anything so i wasn't viable for help. it's a crapshoot out here.

and pets are a no-go. i live in a room in an sro, so there's no dogs allowed. i want to get a cat, but can't afford litter/food/vet and there's no room in here for it so i think that's kind of cruel. plus i don't like dogs. (i know i'm turning things down and it's shitty of me. i do genuinely appreciate the thought). having limited funds/access to things is a huge barrier in why it's gotten this bad.

then get diagnosed, honestly. to me it sounds like you have at least severe depression if not something else also going on. the "laziness" you describe is a major symptom of depression along with the way you're uninterested in activities or maintaining friendships.

I'd try to google around and see if you can find resources for how to get a therapist and etc on canadian welfare.

probably a good idea and something i should have done ages ago. i guess i'm just avoiding it because i'm really paranoid about being put on meds. and talking to people. not my favorite past time.

but it's either bite the bullet and get help or keep doing this and i'm tired of doing this.

ty anon.

they can't force you on meds if you don't wanna be. pretty sure that holds true in canada too. I can understand that fear though, since it's why I held off going back to a therapist for a long time. it gets easier.

you can do it, anon, I believe in you.

you're not in a position to judge how serious or bad your mental condition is.

i say this as a long time ed sufferer with bipolar and accompanying body dysmorphia outside my weight issues. i've never felt that i'm that bad but when i almost died because i passed out while driving from not eating and overexercising i realized that my idea of "severe" was beyond skewed.

I saw that you said you're Canadian. I am too. I've recently had to find low-income therapy options for myself so I've got some experience with it.

In a general sense, look at any universities or colleges nearby that might have psych courses. Often they'll have supervised students doing practice therapy. I found one nearby that is run by a charity that charges based on income. There will likely be similar resources near where you live.

If you're feeling unmotivated and unable to look this stuff up, just reply here or pm this sock and I'll see if I can't find something near you too.

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Don't bother

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