I'm in a similar situation. I really love writing sadomasochism (usually as the sadist, in the sense of my character causing pain, though I love both sides) but likewise, I can't write that without some level of trust and communication there because I just feel really bad after if I can't check in. I also worry about getting judged for it because it's such an intense thing, so I reserve writing it for people I know won't be judgemental. (Which, right now, is like one person.)

I hope you can find people you trust and talk to and get to RP that noncon out, anon! It's rewarding when you can get that!