i feel this a lot and realized the other day it might have to do with being the only girl in my group of friends and yet also being one of the ones with the lowest SR outside of the bronze and silver players we have (i'm low plat, everyone else is high plat/diamond). :(
i'm the most knowledgeable about the game (i know most characters' damage output by heart, i know the supposed most effective counters for every character, and i'm usually shotcaller) but because of my actual play skill, i feel like i have to be better than the rest of our team to be considered at the same level as them. this is most likely just self-imposed because all but one of the people i play with thought my placement this season was (in their words) "absolute bullshit and not at all reflective of how much this team relies on you," but that one guy who blamed our losses on "the girl who is shit at reaper" (me) has basically ruined my confidence.
every time i die it feels like i've failed my team, that i'm not worthy to be playing the game, that i'm inherently worse because of my gender- and i know it's stupid, i don't need anyone to tell me that. but irrational or not, these are still thoughts that run through my head.
i've cried over losses, too. it's mostly just frustration. why can't i do this? is a big one. (i also have issues with certain members of the team not liking having a shotcaller, so that's also frustrating, but not your issue in this case)
do you play any of the arcade modes, anon? i've found if you're having a difficult time in competitive, sometimes cooling down with some arcade or quickplay can ease the tilt and help you have fun again. i also recommend taking a break and playing another game that isn't so competitive, or maybe even something that isn't hard at all.
i will say though that this does sound a bit like depression, too. which is okay, you don't have to stop playing the game because you're depressed- but give yourself a break every now and then. play something else or do something else entirely when you start getting tilted. something that makes you happy that isn't dependent on a win or a lose. unless you're the type of person who gets better with anger (i do sometimes), continuing to play is only going to make it worse. the moment your mood goes too pear-shaped to bounce back, just take a break.
Re: OVERWATCH
i'm the most knowledgeable about the game (i know most characters' damage output by heart, i know the supposed most effective counters for every character, and i'm usually shotcaller) but because of my actual play skill, i feel like i have to be better than the rest of our team to be considered at the same level as them. this is most likely just self-imposed because all but one of the people i play with thought my placement this season was (in their words) "absolute bullshit and not at all reflective of how much this team relies on you," but that one guy who blamed our losses on "the girl who is shit at reaper" (me) has basically ruined my confidence.
every time i die it feels like i've failed my team, that i'm not worthy to be playing the game, that i'm inherently worse because of my gender- and i know it's stupid, i don't need anyone to tell me that. but irrational or not, these are still thoughts that run through my head.
i've cried over losses, too. it's mostly just frustration. why can't i do this? is a big one. (i also have issues with certain members of the team not liking having a shotcaller, so that's also frustrating, but not your issue in this case)
do you play any of the arcade modes, anon? i've found if you're having a difficult time in competitive, sometimes cooling down with some arcade or quickplay can ease the tilt and help you have fun again. i also recommend taking a break and playing another game that isn't so competitive, or maybe even something that isn't hard at all.
i will say though that this does sound a bit like depression, too. which is okay, you don't have to stop playing the game because you're depressed- but give yourself a break every now and then. play something else or do something else entirely when you start getting tilted. something that makes you happy that isn't dependent on a win or a lose. unless you're the type of person who gets better with anger (i do sometimes), continuing to play is only going to make it worse. the moment your mood goes too pear-shaped to bounce back, just take a break.