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There's a pretty good essay on Sayaka here that explains the reasons and motivations behind her wish.

That said, I played her from post-death and it's a pretty difficult canon point, but the one light at the end of the tunnel is she's hit absolute rock bottom, so the only options she has is to stay there or slowly work herself back up. I think working herself up would be feasible with the right support system: either Kyouko from the right canonpoint or Madoka, or just a particularly pushy new friend.

Like the essay touches on, Sayaka's go-get-em nature is a cover-up for very low self-esteem as well as her extremely stark black and white views of good and evil. She believes that accepting any reward for good deeds, no matter how warranted, is an indicator of selfishness. This is because she berates herself constantly for her own selfishness, either perceived or otherwise, and believes that her very human reactions to being overlooked or slighted mean that she's a bad person. It's a pretty unhealthy outlook. She throws herself entirely into others because she lacks the self-esteem to believe she has any merits other than what she can do for other people.

One super important thing to remember is that Sayaka's ultimate desire is not simply to heal Kyosuke (even though that's one part of it) but to "protect the ones she loves." There's a lot of reasoning behind why she ultimately made her wish: Kyuubey passive-aggressively goaded her into doing so by saying that one of the very magical girls she detests so much, i.e., the ones who were in it for only material gain, was going to take over the territory of Mami, who she adored and held up on a pedestal as an ideal Puella Magi. She is concerned for Madoka's safety and emotional state, and does not want her to be put into a position where she is forced to become a magical girl. And lastly, there is her desire to see Kyosuke be able to play violin again, with the selfish addition of wanting him (or ANYONE) to acknowledge her for her good deed.

As she begins to delve deeper into the world of a magical girl, she realizes that is is leaps and bounds beyond the fairy tale image she envisioned. Remember that she says to Kyouko: "I saved a few people, but..." and remember Mami's discussion that Witches were often found in places right before people committed suicide, crimes, or in red light districts and hospitals. This, to me, infers that Sayaka had made it too late to prevent some deaths from occurring, or other unsettling incidents, and this further damaged her self-esteem. While she is still dedicated to her duties, she slowly begins to lose sight of her wish, and focuses on the thing she might still be able to have in some form or fashion: Kyosuke's approval and love.

After she realizes that all of her sacrifices are in vain, and that she won't even be able to be with the person she loves, she finally begins to unravel. This isn't really Hitomi's fault - it would've happened sooner or later. She throws herself completely into her duties in a form of penance: by this point she believes she doesn't deserve any payment for what she's done because she's inherently flawed. She believes she's failed Mami ("I can't face Mami now!") and fell short of her own standards. She is immediately regretful over her impulsive, selfish outburst at Madoka during the scene when they're in the rain. She's looking for someone to save her from a decision she regrets by now, but she knows it's selfish to ask this of Madoka and falls further into despair. By the end of her story arc and before her transformation into a Witch, she has lost all hope. Even as a Witch, there are a lot of signs of her desperate desire to be noticed and loved throughout her barrier.

During her conversation with Madoka/Godoka during the end of the series, she states that she wanted everyone to hear Kyosuke play. She was never in it for herself or her own desires, really. It's just that she forgot that somewhere down the line of seeing and experiencing too many awful, devastating things. She wanted everyone to have the pleasure of hearing Kyosuke's music, she wanted everyone to be protected and safe. Sayaka's not the knight she wanted to be, but she is a martyr, who dies for the sake of her principles and good deeds.

Some smaller notes are that her body language and manner of speech begin to change throughout the course of the story. She gets less cheerful and more stiff and formal in her speech and behavior as her psyche begins to crumble.

I hope that helps.

It does. A lot.

Thanks!

You're welcome. Happy to help.

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Re: Miki Sayaka - Puella Magi Madoka Magica

Re: Miki Sayaka - Puella Magi Madoka Magica

Re: Miki Sayaka - Puella Magi Madoka Magica